Skip to main content

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy.  No KG...  Er, no
diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist
tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of
secrets you wish to sell.

(In a bored voice:)  Heaven, God speaking...

Lucifer speaking.  Who in hell do you want?

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the
tone, please hang up.

Sherwood Forest.  Which dear do you want?

Hello, this is the Brown residence.  We're in the middle of a
family fight right now.  Leave your name and number at the beep
and whoever wins will call you right back.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
we're finished.

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and
your favorite color of underwear.  We'll get back to you if we
like the color.

Hello.  I'm home right now but cannot find the phone.  Please
leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

You have reached 843-4734.  Please hold while I process your
call.  (Pause.)  Our extremely sophisticated computer system
performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with
our list of important callers.  None of our staff is authorized
to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now.
Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the
tone.  Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if
you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself.  Thanks.

(Thug voice:)  Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now.
They've been kidnapped!  So at the beep, leave your name, your
number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper
bag.

(Italian Mafia-style voice:)  I can't come to the phone right
now.  Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk.  I
think we're going to have to size it a little...  (Aside:)  HEY
GUIDO!  GET THE CHAINSAW!  Anyways, leave your name and a
message.  If I like it, you'll hear from me.  If not, you'll
hear from Guido!  (Laughter.)

Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone.
I am an electrical engineer.  I can do that.

My time is billed at $125 per hour.  Please begin your message
with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of
expiration.  I'll get back to you pending credit approval.

(A busy signal.)  -- Steven Wright

(Recorded directly from AT&T:)  We're sorry, but the number you
dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

We're sorry.  You have reached an imaginary number.  Please
rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

You have reached the number you have dialed.  Please leave a
message after the beep.

Hello.  (Pause.)  Hello?  (Pause.)
Hello!  (Pause.)  No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now.
Maybe you should leave a message or call me back later.

You have reached 555-6238.  Why?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Buried Treasures in Bohol Philippines

Written by Joe Espiritu       Four persons died in a treasure hunting accident last week. They died for nothing. Many had lost their shirts in the venture, the propensity for Filipinos to get rich quick attribute to the treasure hunting mania. The sad part is that only the ignorant venture on the search, those in the know, being sure that nothing will come out of the effort would not think of investing money, time and effort – this time lives – in a fruitless enterprise.        There had been stories of people getting rich uncovering treasure troves in unlikely places. Most stories are false. Ancient graves of archeological and anthropological value had been desecrated by treasure hunters. They had found nothing. Those people may have struck it rich but not from some hidden riches. Contrary to what other people say, there are no buried treasures in Bohol . If there had been, they were unearthed years ago.         If one ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Detonators in Hebei, China

The death toll has risen to eight after Saturday's explosion triggered by detonators illegally manufactured and stored at a residential building in north China's Hebei Province, local authorities said Monday. Five more bodies were retrieved while rescuers were clearing the debris in the city of Baoding, the city government said in a statement late Monday. Another 27 people are still under treatment in hospital, it added. Two suspects, a 38-year-old man surnamed Ge and his 42-year-old girlfriend, turned themselves in to police Monday noon in the eastern province of Anhui. Ge and two relatives started producing detonators in 2009. Due to poor sales, the three stored unsold detonators at a house of the six-storey building in Dongwuyao Village. The explosion that occurred Saturday afternoon toppled part of the building and also shattered the glass windows of buildings 200 meters away.
Post a Comment
Read more

U.S. economic data reacts to crude oil price

Crude prices rose on Thursday as U.S. economic data came in positive and continuing unrest in the Middle East caused supplies fears. Market sentiment was boosted after the Commerce Department said U.S. gross domestic product expanded at a 2.7 percent annual rate, much faster than 2.0 percent it estimated last month. It was the quickest quarterly growth rate since the fourth quarter of 2011, helped by faster inventory accumulation and export growth, which offset weak consumer spending and a drop in business investment. Meanwhile, a report from the Labor Department added to the upbeat tone. The report showed U.S. initial jobless claims declined 23,000 in the week ended Nov. 24 to 393,000, as effect of Hurricane Sandy faded. Pending home sales climbed 5.2 percent in October, surging to its highest level in more than five years, according to the National Association of Realtors. Traders were closely watching the situation in the Middle East, in particular the viole...
Post a Comment
Read more